The Weapon of Love

While sitting at home last week with a friend and learning of his fast approaching trip back home, I asked him a question. "Are you looking forward to your trip home?" He was somewhat hesitant about returning. You see, like many people, his home life wasn't the "all american dream" story, and as I grow older, it seems that particular story is somewhat changing.  He doesn't have the best relationship with his Mom and a non existent one with his Dad.  His relationships with his siblings strained and yet, in spite of all the obstacles to what a perfect family should be, it still is just that, family.

I remember the day in my life about 12 years ago like it was yesterday when I knew I had to tell the most terrifying thing to my family and was so worried as to how they were going to receive it. You see, coming from a mind set most of my life that I had to "perform" to please people and God for that matter, my whole being was based on not letting people down.  I always had to be "on," no kinks in my armor if you will.  So telling my family of a "weakness" I had or a major "battle" was somewhat hard because I didn't want their opinion of me to be lessened. However, I couldn't go on anymore like this.  I felt as though I was being ripped apart inside. After years of battling my inner struggles of who I was and whose I was, the time was here and the life I had built was rapidly coming to an end. I had to come clean, it didn't matter the consequences because the truth now seemed much more valuable to me than the lie.

...I had been involved in music since the age of 6 and always remembered loving to sing.  I would sing all the way through Elementary School, Junior High and High School and loved every minute of it!  Not just in school but with church, and outside groups.  You see not only did I enjoy it, but I found somewhat a release from my inner demons with singing.  It was the only time I could escape the inner pain I was facing and know that I was just me and that I was loved just for what I was doing at that second. I believe unconsciously we bring on much of our pain because of the mindset we are in at the time and our perception of reality is a bit skewed.  You know what I mean, a relationship goes bad and we feel as if the world has stopped or that we are worthless because that one person doesn't "love" us anymore or if we lose a job that our life is meaningless (I will stop there but could go on...).  So for me that life perception started at 8 years old when I  lost my Mom to a tragic event.  As a family we had just finished a New Years Eve service at our new church in Tuscaloosa Alabama and while at the service that night had committed as a family to do whatever it took to build a great church there. I can remember getting home late and being put to bed and then being wildly awakened by screams in our small 2 bedroom apartment.  It was my Dad screaming, and as I looked out my bedroom door, I saw him performing CPR on my Mom.  She had an asthma attack and would not survive it, she was only 27 years old. This really threw me for a loop. My dad was strong, but in my mind, I didn't want to talk about it. This couldn't be real, or maybe it was a game? An evil one at that and instead of dealing with it I just buried the pain and kept going, as best as an 8 year old can that is. 

I was raised a preachers kid in a "baptist" church and learned early in life that I loved being around people. I loved talking to people, smiling at people, even singing in front of people and as my dad would always say, "Eric has never met a stranger." My Dad remarried later and it was to my babysitter-go figure?  I can't spill the beans on that story because I don't really know it, except for the fact that she is my Mom now and has been for many years and I love her! Now don't get me wrong, I didn't like her at all when she first came into our family because in my mind, no one could replace my real Mom however she grew on me and it made it easier for me seeing how much she really loved me!  During that time I would visit several friends and stay the night, for me it was a nice get away so I wouldn't have to think of my Mom being gone and I'm sure it was good for my newly wed parents :) So it worked for both parties but what started happening in me and to me would set the course of my life for ever.

On my visits, we would play, hang out and do all the things that young boys would do, but I especially liked when we would have a sleep over because it meant I could sleep in the same room as them.  You see as early as I can remember I was attracted to guys like a lot of my friends were attracted to girls.  Having that attraction always made me feel a bit "off" if you will, especially since I was raised in the church and I knew that this was "not right."  So from the very beginning I felt as though I had two strikes against me, I lost my Mom and I liked guys-"what was wrong with me?" Does God even love me that He has allowed all this to happen to me? I can remember later in life, while counselors were trying to help me not be gay, saying that the reason I liked guys early in life was because I felt like women would betray me (because of my Mom's death and I felt like she left me) and I didn't want that to happen again. Others said I was attracted to the same sex because there was a lack of "male love" in my life-well actually nothing could be further from the truth since my Dad loved me very much and only wanted the best for me. And after I was told I had the demon of homosexuality in me and that I needed to basically, "get it out," I had had enough, but this part of my story will come later.

As a young boy of 9 years old, I actually engaged in a semi-relationship with a guy that was 3 years older than me for almost three years.  Now for much of my life, while sharing this, it was easier for me to say I was molested, but that wasn't true, I reciprocated every action and that friendship/relationship went on for 3 years, and when it finally ended, it broke my heart. He became a high schooler and I became a thing of his past.  I knew for the first time what it was like to love and then to feel loss. But one thing I did know, I was not like any other boy I knew, well except the other guy that I shared that 3 years of my life with.  I know, it is very hard to believe that happened to a 9 year old, but it was amazing how tied into another person you can become when you have almost every weekend together and you share a piece of your soul with that person.  Some will try and blame this on bad parenting, well this wasn't anyone's fault-so don't be the guilty one saying that, ""If I was his parent"....Don't go there-I have a wonderful Mom and Dad and to show you that, let me jump to when I came out to them.

When I came out, it was more of a having to come out story, and one of the hardest things about it was having to face my Mom, Dad and my two very young, wonderful sisters.  Would they love me, would they accept me?  Now don't get me wrong, I knew their view on homosexuality and was well versed in hearing what I should or shouldn't be doing, that is not what this meeting was about. It was about addressing who I was, what I was going through and what my next steps would be and if they would be in my corner?  I could barely contain myself for the tears, but as that night unfolded,  without any hesitation they were standing beside me, loving me no matter what.  Now was there discussions? Yes! Were their frank questions like, "I don't understand how you can have those feelings because I like women," coming from my dad of course :)  I say that with a smile on my face because my dad and I have grown so much over the last few years and I love his honesty of trying to relate to me, but even in this instance when he couldn't, he still loved me.  My Mom actually went on to tell me something that would really set the course for my healing even up to this day and this is what she told me, "Eric if you choose to turn to God and live for him, I will love you but even if you choose to run and live for yourself and not for God, I will still love you the same, it will not change."  Wow, even typing those words make me tear up because the real message of Jesus came out of my Mom that night, it was the message of LOVE!  Thank you Mom for setting the example for me-I will never forget it and will forever be changed for the better!

When you come out as being gay to your baptist preacher Dad and family and have to talk about what life issues you really are facing it is never easy, especially when it deals with some sort of sexuality issue.  However, you don't have to have a preacher for a Dad for it to be hard, it is very difficult and we had our difficulties,  but life's journey never was meant to be easy.  My family and I don't see eye to eye on everything, but that doesn't mean that I am right and they are wrong, it just means that we choose to love unconditionally each other above all else.  We put aside those things we think are important for the thing most important-Love.  Every time I read the passage from the Bible in I Corinthians 13 I am reminded that the most important thing we have is Love. Those who know me has at one time or another heard me say "use the weapon of Love," now I don't necessarily like the word weapon, but I would rather take that weapon up than any other.  For those who haven't read that chapter in the Bible, let me encourage you to do so-it could change the way you interact with all those who don't see things the way you see them.

In closing I wanted this particular blog to reach out to people who may be "struggling" with being who they are and not being honest in that place.  You see, I don't think I could have ever got to this place in my life if I hadn't been able to be honest with those closet to me-it gives you somewhat of a strength of who you are whose you are. Even though you may not get the same response that I did, there are people out here that love you just for who you are and know what it feels like. This is also for those of you who know someone who is struggling with something in life, or even something very similar to what I faced, and by the way, we are all struggling with something, so to you I say choose to Love unconditionally.  Even when nothing really adds up or even makes sense to you-just love.  I know love is a touchy subject today, but I am learning to use that weapon even more with people that I can relate to most, because they need it most. Let me answer a question here that so many are saying now,  it is not without Truth, because truth is just as important, but must they must be used together.  

I want to close this blog with the lyrics to a song by Jimmy Wayne "I Love You This Much" but I want you to go to YouTube and look up the video-amazing!  Here is the link and the lyrics and today I pray starts a new chapter in your life where you choose to simply LOVE!

"I Love You This Much"

He can't remember
The times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
That didn't stop him
From wishing that he did
Didn't keep him from wanting
Or worshipping him

He guesses he saw him
About once a year
He could still feel the way he felt
Standing in tears
Stretching his arms out
As far as they'd go
Whispering daddy
I want you to know

[Chorus:]
I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much

He grew to hate him for what he had done
'cause what kind of father
Could do that to his son?
He said 'damn you daddy'
The day that he died
The man didn't blink
But the little boy cried

[Chorus:]
I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much

Half way through the service
While the choir sang a hymn
He looked up above the preacher
And he sat and stared at him

He said
'forgive me father'
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved
Or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out
As far as they'd go
Nailed to the cross
For the whole world to know

[Chorus:]
I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much

Does God Really Love You?

After much contemplation and a great conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop last week, I thought that maybe now is a better time than any to start putting in writing some of my thoughts and basically talk about my journey over the past 40 years of life. Now before the critiques start coming on my "wonderful" writing skills, remember I have never been good at putting thoughts on paper, but very good at communicating one on one.  So for those who have known me, just imagine I am right there in front of you, face to face, sharing with you what I am actually typing.  For those who don't know me, well just use your imagination. So... here goes.

This first post was inspired by 2 events, a new friend "Steve", as he was sharing his story and it occurred to me that people really need hope and it sometimes can only come by others personal journey's being shared.  Then, second, by recent comments on my Facebook page (on this particular post)-you can read through the comments yourself and get caught up :) it will definitely help you!

In short, "Steve" (as mentioned above) has been a worship minister/pastor for over 50 years as well as a school teacher for many of those years, but several years ago had his life radically changed when his sexuality came into light.  The church he was a part of would no longer have anything to do with him because "Steve" wasn't attracted to women-he was gay, even though at the time he didn't even put that label on himself-but others did.  "Steve" went through all types of rejection like most do in the church or at least have in most churches when dealing with the reality of being gay and did everything he could to try and cope or even "get better or healed."  After going through extensive reparative therapy, he decided, instead of turning his back on God, to try and find a place where he was welcomed while still seeking and growing his relationship with his Father God.  While at this particular church, he spotted a former individual who was in a bible study group he used to have and approached him, a little embarrassed at first, but wanting to know if he was gay and why he didn't share that earlier with him.  The individual's response, I didn't know I could share it, I thought I was all alone.

Well to "Steve", his friend and all those out there who have "struggled" in your daily walk with your sexuality and how to reconcile it with your journey before God?  You are not alone!  Over the past many years, anyone associated with being gay or lesbian has been rejected by "God" or the church that represents Him and because of that, many have turned their back on God only because really feeling or believing that He has turned His back on them.  Well He hasn't!  I understand and know this feeling.  I experienced it personally. My life was radically altered when my sexuality came into the light back in 2001.

I didn't understand why I liked guys?  I thought it was a disease, or most vividly a sin I thought I couldn't kick for all of my previous years. I wanted God to love me but thought he never would while I liked the same sex (because I wasn't gay). The problem was I couldn't pray long or hard enough, go to enough youth camps to confess it away, go to counseling to change my mind set, get the demons cast out, fast or even sing  more sincere worship songs crying out to God to change me-He didn't! or...maybe He did?

You see as I bring this first blog to a close, this is for one group of people, the ones who need hope or know someone who does, who seems to be "struggling" with their sexuality and your relationship with God.  I'm sure I will hear from all sorts of people, just like you have, about how you can't love God and be Gay, how you can change or be repaired, but I am here to tell you that God loves me and You!  I mean He really does love me and the change in my heart and mind that I have experienced is so very real.  My relationship is not hindered or crippled because of my sexuality but because of my transparency! I have experienced a closeness to Him that I have never had.

In the days to come, I will have many follow up blogs with more details of my story and how my journey has made me into the man I am now, one that loves God and wants others to know that He loves them too!  So in closing I want to close with the words of a song by SixxAM that a buddy of mine played for me a few years back-thanks M!  It is actually the inspiration for writing my story. Until next time...

Paint yourself a picture, of what you wish you looked like

Maybe then they just might, feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus, step out of the shadows

It’s a loosing battle, there’s no need to be ashamed

Cause they don’t even know you, all they see is scars

They don’t see the Angel living in your heart

Let them find a real you, buried deep within

Let them know with all you got that you are not your skin

When they start to judge you, show them your true colors,

And do unto others, as you have done to you

Just rise above this, kill them with your kindness

Ignorance is blindness, their the ones that stand to lose

Cause they don’t even know you, all they see is scars

They don’t see the Angel living in your heart

Let them find a real you, buried deep within

Let them know with all you got that you are not your skin

Remember-You Are LOVED!!

Eric Lovett