Live Inside Your Story

I just returned from Lawton, Oklahoma where my Aunt and Grandmother (from my mother that died side of the family) lives.  My “Gimma” is 94 years old this month and when I am around her all I want to do is find out about her life, what she did, what motivated her and what life was like 50 and 60 years ago. I am always faced with the fact of how bad people are when I deal with the homeless young people on the street and hear their abusive stories that happened to them by people they were supposed to trust, it literally makes me sick sometimes.  I told my grandmother some of the stories I have heard and asked her has it always been this bad, and she responded, “there has always been bad people, you just didn’t hear about it as much back then, but they were there.”  What causes people to act in such a horrific way or better yet, what causes people to hide, cheat, lie, and steal, even if it is a minor lie?

Have you ever been faced with the decision to either tell the entire truth to someone or withhold part of the information or actually lie altogether in order to protect them?  Well at least in your mind wanting to protect them?  And maybe it is not even just a “with holding” of the truth to just one person, but maybe a group of people in order to try and protect them, or so we say, when really the reason for lying or not telling the whole truth is really self preservation.  Like when some of my family “forgot” to tell me one of my dear dogs (Odeon) had passed until like 3 months later :(  I am over it, I promise, but it took a while.  I think I would have rather known the truth then then finding out after the fact? Despite how most of us has been raised and taught that lying is wrong, we still find ways to justify these “small” lies that we constantly tell throughout our life and sometimes it only involves telling ourselves the lie-however it doesn’t end there.  

The past couple of weeks in my own life, I was faced with withholding the truth from a very dear friend and ultimately it ended up with me actually lying to him.  I never really had that intention at all, it just all happened so very quickly and in trying to protect him at first, it went to trying to protect me to running the risk of destroying our relationship all together.  It is such a slippery slope, one that I have been on all too often and really don’t care to keep slipping on.  I know my blogs have included honesty about my past but I believe for me to really maintain this freedom I am experiencing, and to live life to the fullest, I must be honest about my present failures as well-which let me say, isn’t easy.  Trying to protect ourselves seems to be the most inherent trait that we have from birth, especially when we loose our innocence and people seem to betray us.

For me, I can’t remember really when I lost my innocence, was it with my childhood friend that started touching me in the “bad places”, or was it when my mom died and the brevity of life smacked me in the face? Well regardless of when I lost it, I know it happened early because I quickly figured out how important it was for people to like me and I would give them what they wanted or the Eric I knew they wanted to see. The problem with that is that I lost my true self and my life quickly became adjusting to being who I needed to be, around the people I was with at the time.  And really, I didn’t even know I was lying because I actually had bought the lie myself and didn’t even know it.  

When I was worship leader at Liberty University, I had actually created the lie of being a better Christian than most of those around me. Now I wouldn’t have said that at the time, but my judgmental spirit (mindset) would give way to that type of thinking.  As a person in the spot light, I knew I had to be “on” all the time and even if I had weaknesses I couldn’t admit them, thus creating my own false sense of perfection that I held too as my foundation.  I could remember people coming to me for help and sharing what they struggled with, and even though outwardly I wouldn’t say it, I would feel inside, I am so glad I don’t struggle with that.  Then I would give them a Bible verse and prayers to pray in hopes that it would work for them, as I felt it did me.  You see I felt as though I could discipline myself in a way to make it work. That only lasted for so long within me or with anyone really and then you break. When you are more concerned with being right (perfection) than being honest, that is the breakdown. Why is it that we all fear being vulnerable? Why do we fear to be imperfect when we all know we all are? Don’t blame others for this, we must own it!

Let me tell you how I relate to this thought, for me, as I went through my band days and traveling, I could remember not wanting to look at pornography at all because it turned me into something I didn’t like. You see, when I looked at this non reality, I found myself looking at people as just “things,” that I could use for my benefit, plus didn’t do a lot for keeping my mind in places it needed to be. Even though I know it did something negative to me internally, I seemed to always want to go back to it. It was my drug and I couldn’t live without it. I also had a friend tell me that if he had the choice to have sex with someone or just “solo sex” her would call it, he would masturbate to keep it really safe-the problem with that, is you always want more! I would go sometimes years not looking at porn and then, fall right off the wagon (as they say), then go back to discipline myself again and then fall off again. You choose what “vice” you want to talk about and put yours in there, most of the time for us it is a Yo Yo effect isn’t it?  I hid my weakness for many years and then started talking about it and found a release in being honest.  The thing that made it easier for my circles, is that everyone started admitting that everyone was doing it (well almost everyone :)  So I was looked at as transparent.  But it didn’t stop there, I was only telling half the truth. You see I liked “the” gay porn.  My friends could relate to the straight porn but gay porn, no way!!  I knew early on that I had to keep some of my honesty at bay-thus really being a lier!

I would travel the country with my band year in and year out singing and speaking on what God could do for you if you were just willing to admit what you were dealing with, and in my heart, I couldn’t be honest.  I think mostly it was because I thought He didn’t love me for the way I was and I definitely knew that the people I was in front of wouldn’t be able to handle that honesty-so I continued to hide.  The problem, is that I started to believe my own lies, that I was honest and that I was healthy, all the time not even being honest with myself.  I had a girl friend of mine ask me after I came out, “why did you lie to me all these years?” my answer, “it has nothing to do with you, I was lying to myself!”  When you are lying to yourself, there is no way you can be honest with anyone else in your life! That dishonesty would choose to be my downfall. I thought I could live a life of half transparency, holding back something and still be successful, No Way!  I can remember many times there at the end of my band days where the guys I traveled with would confront me about being gay or my actions and I would admit to having attractions and one time even told them I would go get help, but never did, because I had too much to lose. The lifestyle I had, had taken over. I was not considered rich by any means, especially since growing up my family was poor,  but as a 25 year old, having two homes, nice toys and anything I basically wanted, I found myself not wanting to lose what I had obtained and therefore being willing to lie was a little more acceptable. There is a verse in Romans which says,”I chose to serve the created things instead of the creator” and that had become my reality in life. So instead of being honest ,I continued to hide but also to basically live the way I wanted because deep down, I felt pretty much “untouchable.”  Don’t get me wrong from those of you who don’t know me personally, I was never haughty or stuck up in any way, but deep down inside I thought, “i’m going to be able to ride this wave for a long time if I can’t keep this facade.” That long time wasn’t so long.

My desire to be with another guy had increased significantly over the years that I was traveling and toward the end of my stint at Liberty, I got very sloppy and out of control. I had formed a relationship with another male at the school and we had basically been seeing each other for a few months, all the while hiding it with anyone else in my life except my best friend in all the world who also traveled in my band, Andy.  My new boyfriend and I couldn’t be seen in public at all because of paranoia and for the fact that we both would have been excommunicated. So all we were able to do is have a relationship within the confines of my home, and we did.  When I would travel, I know I would come home to him there and I would love it, however he had to hide as just much because of his roommates!  My best friend Andy would try to come in between us in a good way, only to keep me from going off the deep end and he also knew that I would lose everything, and keep in mind, I also thought I had a bad problem and needed to be fixed.  Andy was the best friend I ever had going through this, he didn’t judge me but tried his best to keep me from “messing up.”  However my boyfriend’s roommate was not of the same mindset, he actually went to a co-worker of mine and reported us.  To make a long story short, the investigation started on me and because I didn’t want to lose what I had accumulated, I denied ever even knowing my boyfriend-hurt him bad!!  

Now you talk about losing trust-I destroyed it overnight, all in order to protect me-I cry to this day to think how selfish I was. The investigation began and I denied everything, even when the National Enquirer did a story on me saying I “headed up the underground gay ring at Dr Falwell’s Christian University.”  I realized the heat was turning up and I needed to get out, so I had planned on resigning and told the media that the rummers weren’t true and that I was planning on leaving anyway-all the while, my lies were now growing, so big that I felt as though I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had a trip planned to Hawaii of all places, just a week after the story broke and the entire trip I remember spending it in my hotel room. I do remember two things very well, I never turned on the TV and I remember standing on my balcony, 10 stories up and crossing over to the outside ledge late one night and saying I can’t be a lier anymore! I have to have release and I know if I tell the truth the world will hate me and God already does!  I leaned out, with my hands behind me gripping the rail ready to jump and I heard it!  I heard a voice as clear as if I could speak out loud to you right now-It said, I LOVE YOU!  I was crying so hard I thought I was hearing things, so I said huh?  I climbed back onto the balcony and said again-what?  I heard it again, “I LOVE YOU, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!  I couldn’t believe my ears, God had spoken to me?  You love me?  How could you love someone like me?  I went back inside my room and fell to my knees and continued to cry, but for the first time, I really believed what I had heard, He Loves Me!  I determined that night, that I would tell the truth, the whole truth and it didn’t matter where the chips fell, I needed to be free!!

When I returned, the media and rummers had escalated and I can remember sitting down a few very important people in my life and saying I need to confess something, “all the reports you are hearing about me, they are true.” I know there will be consequences with my decision, but I know God loves me and I have to be honest and can’t hide anymore. Man, I had no idea what was to come, but would ultimately start the journey that would lead me directly to the “Voice” that had said to me, I LOVE YOU!  and to be honest, that is all I wanted!! Sorry to leave you hanging here, but will pick this up in the next blog :)

You see I am constantly faced with the issue of protecting myself or should I say the perception of myself to even those who would love me regardless. Why? Because I am in constant battle with living inside of my story and owning it or living outside of it, only to portray a “better” Eric than I know really exists.  My friends say, I don’t want the “better” Eric, I want the real one!!  Do you have friends that just want the real you?  If not, get some, there wont be many, but get some!  Then once you have them, may they push you to be YOU!!  Period! And let me challenge you to challenge them to be who they really are! 

I want to close this blog with a quote from Brene’ Brown I posted a few days ago and I really want you to read it over carefully-it will sum up the thought of this blog-until next time-Own it!  It’s Your Story!  He Loves You!  “These three remain, faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is Love!”

“When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness—the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness—that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging—lives inside of our story.” 

Can You Hear Me???

I have a real important question for you. What do you think the difference is between being heard and/or being understood? Let me explain, I know what it means to hear someone but to really listen to them is what I am referring too. When discussing a subject I am really interested in or even one that I feel I am pretty knowledgable about, I have found it hard to speak with people at times without something happening inside of me, I am already thinking about what I am going to say next while they are still speaking.  I wonder why I do this because I can tell you by first hand experience that I am not listening to them or even for that fact even trying to understand where they are coming from.  I am actually in the mindset of trying to “convert” them to my way of thinking or proving that my point is right, thus without even knowing it, discrediting them (what they are saying) from the very beginning by not trying to understand them. I am sure many of you can relate to this practice as it comes natural, listening is a very disciplined act which I have to implement on a daily basis, and often many times a day. I am reminded of the young kid who is confronted by a parent, a partner confronted by another, or just a friend with a friend and the words falling from their mouths-”are you even listening to me?”

I was singing at a conference this weekend in Dallas Texas where a man stood up who had flown in from Nigeria for this two day conference, yes that’s right, flew thousands of miles for this conference and then flew right back.  He stepped up in front of this group of people who were predominately white, and said, “it is so great to be in a place where I am not looked at differently because of race, but I am considered a part, because of my heart and welcomed because I to want to live my life like Jesus lived His.”  While he was speaking I really listened and heard him, closed my eyes and thought, while tears started rolling down my cheek,  I can’t wait for the day to where "we" will not be looked at differently because of "our" sexual orientation, but will be welcomed because of the content of "our" heart and that "we" love God, and "we" too want to live "our" lives like Jesus lived His.

After posting my last blog,  I figured I would get a little response, and I did. I received several emails, FB messages, phone calls and many were very positive and some not so much. Let me make this clear, I have not taken up a cause to try and get people to believe the way I do, I am just trying to get people to really listen to the millions out there that just want to truly be heard.  If we all will start with the few people in our lives that are wanting to be heard because of some wrong that they feel has been done to them and just listen, then maybe, just maybe we will be enabled to love them instead of judge them because we are seeing them for who they are, or should I say see them the way that God sees them.

At the time in my life where I had finished my first year of college at the University of Alabama, I knew it was time for me to leave because it didn't feel like I was supposed to be there anymore. I had gone through Elementary School, Junior High and High School there in the public school system but was very active with my church where my dad was the pastor.  I can remember being so highly involved in my youth group that I really didn’t do much else but school, work and church stuff.  I did so much with the church group that when I was punished, my parents would have to ground me from church activities. :) (I literally just laughed out loud while sitting on a plane writing that.) I mean I thought my life was over when my parents would have to ground me from the youth group going to an event, thus the reason I didn’t misbehave too much.  I say that because church was the center of almost ever aspect of my life. I would always go on the witnessing nights, Jesus cruises (where we would cruise McDonalds and other fast food restaurants with the other young people who didn’t go to church, but we would paint up our cars with Bible statements and pass out tracts to them on Heaven and Hell), after school programs for our Christian students in school and the list can go on.  All for the fact of reminding us of what our duty was, to be a light and a good witness and of course accountability to make sure we would not become like the world.  You see, for me I really loved being around other like minded people because it was easier for me or should I say comfortable.  When I was around people that weren’t like me, I felt as though I had to be different and show them how different I was and thus that would start by me telling them how different I was and came off a little “preachy."  Well a lot preachy!  My entire existence was built on the things I was “doing” for God to insure Him that I loved Him. The problem with this mentality is when I didn’t do good I felt like I didn’t love God like I should, that it meant He was disappointed in me or really wanted me to be better, which was interpreted by me as I need to “do” so that God will love me.  

So as I came to an end of my first year of college I felt like my life was taking a turn for the worst. I had began noticing people that I felt I shouldn’t notice at all-the good looking guys in my choir who were together.  You see I hadn’t been exposed to seeing a gay couple together, and after seeing it, I thought, whoa, this is not good!  So at first I had a really “negative” spirit toward’s them and stayed away!  I would judge them from a distance and definitely didn’t want them close to me because who knew what could happen, I could catch it!!  And by “it” I mean the disease of the HOMO!  You say, wait a minute Eric, we already went down this road?  Yes I know, but you see after my relationship halted with my friend at 12, I would “beat” my mind into submission of not thinking about it, pretending like it wasn’t there, pray it away-almost like putting myself into my own little world of serving God so nothing evil could hurt me.  So when I saw these guys, my defenses started to come down, after 6 or 7 years, I felt something arising in me again that I hadn’t felt since my boyhood experience.  I found the couple to be very pleasant and very normal.  I don’t know what I was expecting from them, maybe for them to wear ass-less chaps or even dog collars with leashes-going around barking at each other, I mean that is what I thought gay couples did, but they didn’t.  They were nice to me and in turn over the course of the year, I became nice to them.  But what didn’t happen was this, I didn’t try to witness to them to try and change their lifestyle, I just wanted to be friends.  Inside of me however, I was starting to think-I wonder if I could find a boyfriend like that.....NOOOO!!  What was I thinking???  I have to get out of here!!  This God forsaken school!!  So what did I do?  Moved to Lynchburg Va. and enrolled at Liberty University!  Now that wasn't the only reason, but it was for sure a main one!

I arrived at Liberty in a Spring semester and had many doors opened for me there. I was on singing scholarship my first year and after that was asked to be one of the campus pastors at the school-the worship leader.  At the time, there were only three campus pastors (in title-many there were “pastors” to the students), they both were close friends of mine!  My experience, working with those men and others there and with the late Dr Jerry Falwell was amazing!! Let me pause for a moment,  I am so thankful for Rev Falwell for what he did for me and his heart for broken people, the love he truly had for them, and for me during my dark time was incredible!!  I will always be grateful for him and what he did for me. After I became a campus pastor I knew I had to be an example for others to follow, and I wanted that, but deep down inside I feared that if people found out what I “struggled” with they would not only want me as a leader, but would not want me at all.  This was 20 years ago.  Let me remind you that the thought process was a lot different then.  So to guard against me “falling” to temptation, I would do things to insure that wouldn’t happen-I was “DOING” a lot.  Would lead bible study groups, rehearsals, started a second band for the school, had Monday night wrestling parties at my house (NITRO-NWO-those were the best), played cards with friends-just didn’t want to be alone and wanted to fill my time, in fear that “my demons” could rise at any time.  I was so immersed in staying busy and thus not exposing my weakness that I took on the mindset of someone who had it all together!  If you just work hard enough, you can beat this thing! And I was beating it! I stopped looking at porn for years at a time and was feeling like I had gotten a handle on it, so much so that when one of my first bands approached me about a person with us who “struggled” with homosexuality, I didn’t handle it well at all.

This part of my life has to be one of the most regretful things I have ever done, if not THE most regretful!  They came to me about one of our members and after speaking with him personally, I didn't treat him right at all. Yes he was needing to be heard and understood and I was already thinking of what I was going to say, because THE most important thing here was to protect me!  If I showed any grace in this matter and it got out, then people may suspect me of something-see where this thought process was going?  So I pulled out my Bible and pulled out the scriptures that speaks against homosexuality and told him that he needed more Jesus!!!  That if you have Him, he will take care of your needs. Why? Because this what I was experiencing at that time in my life!  However, I was judging him hard inside and threatened by it really.  What did I do?  Ultimately told him he couldn’t be a leader in ministry with a struggle like that and removed him from the band. Because of the way I handled it, I lost the rest of the band members and you know what, with a leader like me that was acting like that-they should have run as far from me as possible!! I want you to really read my next words well-If I could go back and change one thing, yes just one thing in my life, it would be to go back and tell him that I love him and that it is ok where he was in his life and that God still loves Him!! Have you ever treated someone so bad that it seems you can't say enough-"I am sorry," so once again I will say to him, “please forgive me for acting in a very selfish manner in which to protect my life I was willing to destroy yours.”  

You see when I failed to listen to my friend's heart and where he was, (only in order to protect myself in some form, at that time it was from my failed past, but at other times it could be my intellect, or my belief), I failed him as a follower of Jesus to actually act like Jesus would. I am not asking people to change their entire belief system on a particular subject or anyone else's that may be different from you. What I am asking is that we should never act or speak in a way that we are trying to selfishly protect ourselves or what we think. Even when I want to love on people and they are not ready, I can’t be selfish and push that, I have to wait and trust that in the right time they will be ready to receive it.  You can tell I am “preaching to myself” here, but what about those of you who feel that you are right and that everyone else is wrong?  Have you really ever listened to those people who disagree with you? Have your heard them?  Not thinking about what verses you are going to quote to “win” them to your side?  You see in the gospels, Matthew speaks of Jesus “seeing” and having compassion on them-that word "seeing" implying understanding-do you truly understand those around you that are different than you are?

At the close of our conference this past weekend, the founder got up as a close to the first night and said this, “it is really only about two things: Loving God and loving people!”  I can say this about my own life, I can’t say I’ve done everything right and that I am still doing everything right, but one thing I do know-I Love God with all my heart and I love people as much as I can!  I am so glad that God judges us by our heart, and I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I am not Him, thus disqualifying me from that “judgement” part!  So can we all try something-hearing or just listening to all those people in our lives verses trying to make them hear us. Just maybe, we will learn something or understand something new to us that we have never seen before that points us closer to a life that is truly like Jesus!

The Weapon of Love

While sitting at home last week with a friend and learning of his fast approaching trip back home, I asked him a question. "Are you looking forward to your trip home?" He was somewhat hesitant about returning. You see, like many people, his home life wasn't the "all american dream" story, and as I grow older, it seems that particular story is somewhat changing.  He doesn't have the best relationship with his Mom and a non existent one with his Dad.  His relationships with his siblings strained and yet, in spite of all the obstacles to what a perfect family should be, it still is just that, family.

I remember the day in my life about 12 years ago like it was yesterday when I knew I had to tell the most terrifying thing to my family and was so worried as to how they were going to receive it. You see, coming from a mind set most of my life that I had to "perform" to please people and God for that matter, my whole being was based on not letting people down.  I always had to be "on," no kinks in my armor if you will.  So telling my family of a "weakness" I had or a major "battle" was somewhat hard because I didn't want their opinion of me to be lessened. However, I couldn't go on anymore like this.  I felt as though I was being ripped apart inside. After years of battling my inner struggles of who I was and whose I was, the time was here and the life I had built was rapidly coming to an end. I had to come clean, it didn't matter the consequences because the truth now seemed much more valuable to me than the lie.

...I had been involved in music since the age of 6 and always remembered loving to sing.  I would sing all the way through Elementary School, Junior High and High School and loved every minute of it!  Not just in school but with church, and outside groups.  You see not only did I enjoy it, but I found somewhat a release from my inner demons with singing.  It was the only time I could escape the inner pain I was facing and know that I was just me and that I was loved just for what I was doing at that second. I believe unconsciously we bring on much of our pain because of the mindset we are in at the time and our perception of reality is a bit skewed.  You know what I mean, a relationship goes bad and we feel as if the world has stopped or that we are worthless because that one person doesn't "love" us anymore or if we lose a job that our life is meaningless (I will stop there but could go on...).  So for me that life perception started at 8 years old when I  lost my Mom to a tragic event.  As a family we had just finished a New Years Eve service at our new church in Tuscaloosa Alabama and while at the service that night had committed as a family to do whatever it took to build a great church there. I can remember getting home late and being put to bed and then being wildly awakened by screams in our small 2 bedroom apartment.  It was my Dad screaming, and as I looked out my bedroom door, I saw him performing CPR on my Mom.  She had an asthma attack and would not survive it, she was only 27 years old. This really threw me for a loop. My dad was strong, but in my mind, I didn't want to talk about it. This couldn't be real, or maybe it was a game? An evil one at that and instead of dealing with it I just buried the pain and kept going, as best as an 8 year old can that is. 

I was raised a preachers kid in a "baptist" church and learned early in life that I loved being around people. I loved talking to people, smiling at people, even singing in front of people and as my dad would always say, "Eric has never met a stranger." My Dad remarried later and it was to my babysitter-go figure?  I can't spill the beans on that story because I don't really know it, except for the fact that she is my Mom now and has been for many years and I love her! Now don't get me wrong, I didn't like her at all when she first came into our family because in my mind, no one could replace my real Mom however she grew on me and it made it easier for me seeing how much she really loved me!  During that time I would visit several friends and stay the night, for me it was a nice get away so I wouldn't have to think of my Mom being gone and I'm sure it was good for my newly wed parents :) So it worked for both parties but what started happening in me and to me would set the course of my life for ever.

On my visits, we would play, hang out and do all the things that young boys would do, but I especially liked when we would have a sleep over because it meant I could sleep in the same room as them.  You see as early as I can remember I was attracted to guys like a lot of my friends were attracted to girls.  Having that attraction always made me feel a bit "off" if you will, especially since I was raised in the church and I knew that this was "not right."  So from the very beginning I felt as though I had two strikes against me, I lost my Mom and I liked guys-"what was wrong with me?" Does God even love me that He has allowed all this to happen to me? I can remember later in life, while counselors were trying to help me not be gay, saying that the reason I liked guys early in life was because I felt like women would betray me (because of my Mom's death and I felt like she left me) and I didn't want that to happen again. Others said I was attracted to the same sex because there was a lack of "male love" in my life-well actually nothing could be further from the truth since my Dad loved me very much and only wanted the best for me. And after I was told I had the demon of homosexuality in me and that I needed to basically, "get it out," I had had enough, but this part of my story will come later.

As a young boy of 9 years old, I actually engaged in a semi-relationship with a guy that was 3 years older than me for almost three years.  Now for much of my life, while sharing this, it was easier for me to say I was molested, but that wasn't true, I reciprocated every action and that friendship/relationship went on for 3 years, and when it finally ended, it broke my heart. He became a high schooler and I became a thing of his past.  I knew for the first time what it was like to love and then to feel loss. But one thing I did know, I was not like any other boy I knew, well except the other guy that I shared that 3 years of my life with.  I know, it is very hard to believe that happened to a 9 year old, but it was amazing how tied into another person you can become when you have almost every weekend together and you share a piece of your soul with that person.  Some will try and blame this on bad parenting, well this wasn't anyone's fault-so don't be the guilty one saying that, ""If I was his parent"....Don't go there-I have a wonderful Mom and Dad and to show you that, let me jump to when I came out to them.

When I came out, it was more of a having to come out story, and one of the hardest things about it was having to face my Mom, Dad and my two very young, wonderful sisters.  Would they love me, would they accept me?  Now don't get me wrong, I knew their view on homosexuality and was well versed in hearing what I should or shouldn't be doing, that is not what this meeting was about. It was about addressing who I was, what I was going through and what my next steps would be and if they would be in my corner?  I could barely contain myself for the tears, but as that night unfolded,  without any hesitation they were standing beside me, loving me no matter what.  Now was there discussions? Yes! Were their frank questions like, "I don't understand how you can have those feelings because I like women," coming from my dad of course :)  I say that with a smile on my face because my dad and I have grown so much over the last few years and I love his honesty of trying to relate to me, but even in this instance when he couldn't, he still loved me.  My Mom actually went on to tell me something that would really set the course for my healing even up to this day and this is what she told me, "Eric if you choose to turn to God and live for him, I will love you but even if you choose to run and live for yourself and not for God, I will still love you the same, it will not change."  Wow, even typing those words make me tear up because the real message of Jesus came out of my Mom that night, it was the message of LOVE!  Thank you Mom for setting the example for me-I will never forget it and will forever be changed for the better!

When you come out as being gay to your baptist preacher Dad and family and have to talk about what life issues you really are facing it is never easy, especially when it deals with some sort of sexuality issue.  However, you don't have to have a preacher for a Dad for it to be hard, it is very difficult and we had our difficulties,  but life's journey never was meant to be easy.  My family and I don't see eye to eye on everything, but that doesn't mean that I am right and they are wrong, it just means that we choose to love unconditionally each other above all else.  We put aside those things we think are important for the thing most important-Love.  Every time I read the passage from the Bible in I Corinthians 13 I am reminded that the most important thing we have is Love. Those who know me has at one time or another heard me say "use the weapon of Love," now I don't necessarily like the word weapon, but I would rather take that weapon up than any other.  For those who haven't read that chapter in the Bible, let me encourage you to do so-it could change the way you interact with all those who don't see things the way you see them.

In closing I wanted this particular blog to reach out to people who may be "struggling" with being who they are and not being honest in that place.  You see, I don't think I could have ever got to this place in my life if I hadn't been able to be honest with those closet to me-it gives you somewhat of a strength of who you are whose you are. Even though you may not get the same response that I did, there are people out here that love you just for who you are and know what it feels like. This is also for those of you who know someone who is struggling with something in life, or even something very similar to what I faced, and by the way, we are all struggling with something, so to you I say choose to Love unconditionally.  Even when nothing really adds up or even makes sense to you-just love.  I know love is a touchy subject today, but I am learning to use that weapon even more with people that I can relate to most, because they need it most. Let me answer a question here that so many are saying now,  it is not without Truth, because truth is just as important, but must they must be used together.  

I want to close this blog with the lyrics to a song by Jimmy Wayne "I Love You This Much" but I want you to go to YouTube and look up the video-amazing!  Here is the link and the lyrics and today I pray starts a new chapter in your life where you choose to simply LOVE!

"I Love You This Much"

He can't remember
The times that he thought
Does my daddy love me?
Probably not
That didn't stop him
From wishing that he did
Didn't keep him from wanting
Or worshipping him

He guesses he saw him
About once a year
He could still feel the way he felt
Standing in tears
Stretching his arms out
As far as they'd go
Whispering daddy
I want you to know

[Chorus:]
I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much

He grew to hate him for what he had done
'cause what kind of father
Could do that to his son?
He said 'damn you daddy'
The day that he died
The man didn't blink
But the little boy cried

[Chorus:]
I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much

Half way through the service
While the choir sang a hymn
He looked up above the preacher
And he sat and stared at him

He said
'forgive me father'
When he realized
That he hadn't been unloved
Or alone all his life
His arms were stretched out
As far as they'd go
Nailed to the cross
For the whole world to know

[Chorus:]
I love you this much
And i'm waiting on you
To make up your mind
Do you love me too?
How ever long it takes
I'm never giving up no matter what
I love you this much

Does God Really Love You?

After much contemplation and a great conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop last week, I thought that maybe now is a better time than any to start putting in writing some of my thoughts and basically talk about my journey over the past 40 years of life. Now before the critiques start coming on my "wonderful" writing skills, remember I have never been good at putting thoughts on paper, but very good at communicating one on one.  So for those who have known me, just imagine I am right there in front of you, face to face, sharing with you what I am actually typing.  For those who don't know me, well just use your imagination. So... here goes.

This first post was inspired by 2 events, a new friend "Steve", as he was sharing his story and it occurred to me that people really need hope and it sometimes can only come by others personal journey's being shared.  Then, second, by recent comments on my Facebook page (on this particular post)-you can read through the comments yourself and get caught up :) it will definitely help you!

In short, "Steve" (as mentioned above) has been a worship minister/pastor for over 50 years as well as a school teacher for many of those years, but several years ago had his life radically changed when his sexuality came into light.  The church he was a part of would no longer have anything to do with him because "Steve" wasn't attracted to women-he was gay, even though at the time he didn't even put that label on himself-but others did.  "Steve" went through all types of rejection like most do in the church or at least have in most churches when dealing with the reality of being gay and did everything he could to try and cope or even "get better or healed."  After going through extensive reparative therapy, he decided, instead of turning his back on God, to try and find a place where he was welcomed while still seeking and growing his relationship with his Father God.  While at this particular church, he spotted a former individual who was in a bible study group he used to have and approached him, a little embarrassed at first, but wanting to know if he was gay and why he didn't share that earlier with him.  The individual's response, I didn't know I could share it, I thought I was all alone.

Well to "Steve", his friend and all those out there who have "struggled" in your daily walk with your sexuality and how to reconcile it with your journey before God?  You are not alone!  Over the past many years, anyone associated with being gay or lesbian has been rejected by "God" or the church that represents Him and because of that, many have turned their back on God only because really feeling or believing that He has turned His back on them.  Well He hasn't!  I understand and know this feeling.  I experienced it personally. My life was radically altered when my sexuality came into the light back in 2001.

I didn't understand why I liked guys?  I thought it was a disease, or most vividly a sin I thought I couldn't kick for all of my previous years. I wanted God to love me but thought he never would while I liked the same sex (because I wasn't gay). The problem was I couldn't pray long or hard enough, go to enough youth camps to confess it away, go to counseling to change my mind set, get the demons cast out, fast or even sing  more sincere worship songs crying out to God to change me-He didn't! or...maybe He did?

You see as I bring this first blog to a close, this is for one group of people, the ones who need hope or know someone who does, who seems to be "struggling" with their sexuality and your relationship with God.  I'm sure I will hear from all sorts of people, just like you have, about how you can't love God and be Gay, how you can change or be repaired, but I am here to tell you that God loves me and You!  I mean He really does love me and the change in my heart and mind that I have experienced is so very real.  My relationship is not hindered or crippled because of my sexuality but because of my transparency! I have experienced a closeness to Him that I have never had.

In the days to come, I will have many follow up blogs with more details of my story and how my journey has made me into the man I am now, one that loves God and wants others to know that He loves them too!  So in closing I want to close with the words of a song by SixxAM that a buddy of mine played for me a few years back-thanks M!  It is actually the inspiration for writing my story. Until next time...

Paint yourself a picture, of what you wish you looked like

Maybe then they just might, feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus, step out of the shadows

It’s a loosing battle, there’s no need to be ashamed

Cause they don’t even know you, all they see is scars

They don’t see the Angel living in your heart

Let them find a real you, buried deep within

Let them know with all you got that you are not your skin

When they start to judge you, show them your true colors,

And do unto others, as you have done to you

Just rise above this, kill them with your kindness

Ignorance is blindness, their the ones that stand to lose

Cause they don’t even know you, all they see is scars

They don’t see the Angel living in your heart

Let them find a real you, buried deep within

Let them know with all you got that you are not your skin

Remember-You Are LOVED!!

Eric Lovett