Can You Hear Me???

I have a real important question for you. What do you think the difference is between being heard and/or being understood? Let me explain, I know what it means to hear someone but to really listen to them is what I am referring too. When discussing a subject I am really interested in or even one that I feel I am pretty knowledgable about, I have found it hard to speak with people at times without something happening inside of me, I am already thinking about what I am going to say next while they are still speaking.  I wonder why I do this because I can tell you by first hand experience that I am not listening to them or even for that fact even trying to understand where they are coming from.  I am actually in the mindset of trying to “convert” them to my way of thinking or proving that my point is right, thus without even knowing it, discrediting them (what they are saying) from the very beginning by not trying to understand them. I am sure many of you can relate to this practice as it comes natural, listening is a very disciplined act which I have to implement on a daily basis, and often many times a day. I am reminded of the young kid who is confronted by a parent, a partner confronted by another, or just a friend with a friend and the words falling from their mouths-”are you even listening to me?”

I was singing at a conference this weekend in Dallas Texas where a man stood up who had flown in from Nigeria for this two day conference, yes that’s right, flew thousands of miles for this conference and then flew right back.  He stepped up in front of this group of people who were predominately white, and said, “it is so great to be in a place where I am not looked at differently because of race, but I am considered a part, because of my heart and welcomed because I to want to live my life like Jesus lived His.”  While he was speaking I really listened and heard him, closed my eyes and thought, while tears started rolling down my cheek,  I can’t wait for the day to where "we" will not be looked at differently because of "our" sexual orientation, but will be welcomed because of the content of "our" heart and that "we" love God, and "we" too want to live "our" lives like Jesus lived His.

After posting my last blog,  I figured I would get a little response, and I did. I received several emails, FB messages, phone calls and many were very positive and some not so much. Let me make this clear, I have not taken up a cause to try and get people to believe the way I do, I am just trying to get people to really listen to the millions out there that just want to truly be heard.  If we all will start with the few people in our lives that are wanting to be heard because of some wrong that they feel has been done to them and just listen, then maybe, just maybe we will be enabled to love them instead of judge them because we are seeing them for who they are, or should I say see them the way that God sees them.

At the time in my life where I had finished my first year of college at the University of Alabama, I knew it was time for me to leave because it didn't feel like I was supposed to be there anymore. I had gone through Elementary School, Junior High and High School there in the public school system but was very active with my church where my dad was the pastor.  I can remember being so highly involved in my youth group that I really didn’t do much else but school, work and church stuff.  I did so much with the church group that when I was punished, my parents would have to ground me from church activities. :) (I literally just laughed out loud while sitting on a plane writing that.) I mean I thought my life was over when my parents would have to ground me from the youth group going to an event, thus the reason I didn’t misbehave too much.  I say that because church was the center of almost ever aspect of my life. I would always go on the witnessing nights, Jesus cruises (where we would cruise McDonalds and other fast food restaurants with the other young people who didn’t go to church, but we would paint up our cars with Bible statements and pass out tracts to them on Heaven and Hell), after school programs for our Christian students in school and the list can go on.  All for the fact of reminding us of what our duty was, to be a light and a good witness and of course accountability to make sure we would not become like the world.  You see, for me I really loved being around other like minded people because it was easier for me or should I say comfortable.  When I was around people that weren’t like me, I felt as though I had to be different and show them how different I was and thus that would start by me telling them how different I was and came off a little “preachy."  Well a lot preachy!  My entire existence was built on the things I was “doing” for God to insure Him that I loved Him. The problem with this mentality is when I didn’t do good I felt like I didn’t love God like I should, that it meant He was disappointed in me or really wanted me to be better, which was interpreted by me as I need to “do” so that God will love me.  

So as I came to an end of my first year of college I felt like my life was taking a turn for the worst. I had began noticing people that I felt I shouldn’t notice at all-the good looking guys in my choir who were together.  You see I hadn’t been exposed to seeing a gay couple together, and after seeing it, I thought, whoa, this is not good!  So at first I had a really “negative” spirit toward’s them and stayed away!  I would judge them from a distance and definitely didn’t want them close to me because who knew what could happen, I could catch it!!  And by “it” I mean the disease of the HOMO!  You say, wait a minute Eric, we already went down this road?  Yes I know, but you see after my relationship halted with my friend at 12, I would “beat” my mind into submission of not thinking about it, pretending like it wasn’t there, pray it away-almost like putting myself into my own little world of serving God so nothing evil could hurt me.  So when I saw these guys, my defenses started to come down, after 6 or 7 years, I felt something arising in me again that I hadn’t felt since my boyhood experience.  I found the couple to be very pleasant and very normal.  I don’t know what I was expecting from them, maybe for them to wear ass-less chaps or even dog collars with leashes-going around barking at each other, I mean that is what I thought gay couples did, but they didn’t.  They were nice to me and in turn over the course of the year, I became nice to them.  But what didn’t happen was this, I didn’t try to witness to them to try and change their lifestyle, I just wanted to be friends.  Inside of me however, I was starting to think-I wonder if I could find a boyfriend like that.....NOOOO!!  What was I thinking???  I have to get out of here!!  This God forsaken school!!  So what did I do?  Moved to Lynchburg Va. and enrolled at Liberty University!  Now that wasn't the only reason, but it was for sure a main one!

I arrived at Liberty in a Spring semester and had many doors opened for me there. I was on singing scholarship my first year and after that was asked to be one of the campus pastors at the school-the worship leader.  At the time, there were only three campus pastors (in title-many there were “pastors” to the students), they both were close friends of mine!  My experience, working with those men and others there and with the late Dr Jerry Falwell was amazing!! Let me pause for a moment,  I am so thankful for Rev Falwell for what he did for me and his heart for broken people, the love he truly had for them, and for me during my dark time was incredible!!  I will always be grateful for him and what he did for me. After I became a campus pastor I knew I had to be an example for others to follow, and I wanted that, but deep down inside I feared that if people found out what I “struggled” with they would not only want me as a leader, but would not want me at all.  This was 20 years ago.  Let me remind you that the thought process was a lot different then.  So to guard against me “falling” to temptation, I would do things to insure that wouldn’t happen-I was “DOING” a lot.  Would lead bible study groups, rehearsals, started a second band for the school, had Monday night wrestling parties at my house (NITRO-NWO-those were the best), played cards with friends-just didn’t want to be alone and wanted to fill my time, in fear that “my demons” could rise at any time.  I was so immersed in staying busy and thus not exposing my weakness that I took on the mindset of someone who had it all together!  If you just work hard enough, you can beat this thing! And I was beating it! I stopped looking at porn for years at a time and was feeling like I had gotten a handle on it, so much so that when one of my first bands approached me about a person with us who “struggled” with homosexuality, I didn’t handle it well at all.

This part of my life has to be one of the most regretful things I have ever done, if not THE most regretful!  They came to me about one of our members and after speaking with him personally, I didn't treat him right at all. Yes he was needing to be heard and understood and I was already thinking of what I was going to say, because THE most important thing here was to protect me!  If I showed any grace in this matter and it got out, then people may suspect me of something-see where this thought process was going?  So I pulled out my Bible and pulled out the scriptures that speaks against homosexuality and told him that he needed more Jesus!!!  That if you have Him, he will take care of your needs. Why? Because this what I was experiencing at that time in my life!  However, I was judging him hard inside and threatened by it really.  What did I do?  Ultimately told him he couldn’t be a leader in ministry with a struggle like that and removed him from the band. Because of the way I handled it, I lost the rest of the band members and you know what, with a leader like me that was acting like that-they should have run as far from me as possible!! I want you to really read my next words well-If I could go back and change one thing, yes just one thing in my life, it would be to go back and tell him that I love him and that it is ok where he was in his life and that God still loves Him!! Have you ever treated someone so bad that it seems you can't say enough-"I am sorry," so once again I will say to him, “please forgive me for acting in a very selfish manner in which to protect my life I was willing to destroy yours.”  

You see when I failed to listen to my friend's heart and where he was, (only in order to protect myself in some form, at that time it was from my failed past, but at other times it could be my intellect, or my belief), I failed him as a follower of Jesus to actually act like Jesus would. I am not asking people to change their entire belief system on a particular subject or anyone else's that may be different from you. What I am asking is that we should never act or speak in a way that we are trying to selfishly protect ourselves or what we think. Even when I want to love on people and they are not ready, I can’t be selfish and push that, I have to wait and trust that in the right time they will be ready to receive it.  You can tell I am “preaching to myself” here, but what about those of you who feel that you are right and that everyone else is wrong?  Have you really ever listened to those people who disagree with you? Have your heard them?  Not thinking about what verses you are going to quote to “win” them to your side?  You see in the gospels, Matthew speaks of Jesus “seeing” and having compassion on them-that word "seeing" implying understanding-do you truly understand those around you that are different than you are?

At the close of our conference this past weekend, the founder got up as a close to the first night and said this, “it is really only about two things: Loving God and loving people!”  I can say this about my own life, I can’t say I’ve done everything right and that I am still doing everything right, but one thing I do know-I Love God with all my heart and I love people as much as I can!  I am so glad that God judges us by our heart, and I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I am not Him, thus disqualifying me from that “judgement” part!  So can we all try something-hearing or just listening to all those people in our lives verses trying to make them hear us. Just maybe, we will learn something or understand something new to us that we have never seen before that points us closer to a life that is truly like Jesus!