Live Inside Your Story

I just returned from Lawton, Oklahoma where my Aunt and Grandmother (from my mother that died side of the family) lives.  My “Gimma” is 94 years old this month and when I am around her all I want to do is find out about her life, what she did, what motivated her and what life was like 50 and 60 years ago. I am always faced with the fact of how bad people are when I deal with the homeless young people on the street and hear their abusive stories that happened to them by people they were supposed to trust, it literally makes me sick sometimes.  I told my grandmother some of the stories I have heard and asked her has it always been this bad, and she responded, “there has always been bad people, you just didn’t hear about it as much back then, but they were there.”  What causes people to act in such a horrific way or better yet, what causes people to hide, cheat, lie, and steal, even if it is a minor lie?

Have you ever been faced with the decision to either tell the entire truth to someone or withhold part of the information or actually lie altogether in order to protect them?  Well at least in your mind wanting to protect them?  And maybe it is not even just a “with holding” of the truth to just one person, but maybe a group of people in order to try and protect them, or so we say, when really the reason for lying or not telling the whole truth is really self preservation.  Like when some of my family “forgot” to tell me one of my dear dogs (Odeon) had passed until like 3 months later :(  I am over it, I promise, but it took a while.  I think I would have rather known the truth then then finding out after the fact? Despite how most of us has been raised and taught that lying is wrong, we still find ways to justify these “small” lies that we constantly tell throughout our life and sometimes it only involves telling ourselves the lie-however it doesn’t end there.  

The past couple of weeks in my own life, I was faced with withholding the truth from a very dear friend and ultimately it ended up with me actually lying to him.  I never really had that intention at all, it just all happened so very quickly and in trying to protect him at first, it went to trying to protect me to running the risk of destroying our relationship all together.  It is such a slippery slope, one that I have been on all too often and really don’t care to keep slipping on.  I know my blogs have included honesty about my past but I believe for me to really maintain this freedom I am experiencing, and to live life to the fullest, I must be honest about my present failures as well-which let me say, isn’t easy.  Trying to protect ourselves seems to be the most inherent trait that we have from birth, especially when we loose our innocence and people seem to betray us.

For me, I can’t remember really when I lost my innocence, was it with my childhood friend that started touching me in the “bad places”, or was it when my mom died and the brevity of life smacked me in the face? Well regardless of when I lost it, I know it happened early because I quickly figured out how important it was for people to like me and I would give them what they wanted or the Eric I knew they wanted to see. The problem with that is that I lost my true self and my life quickly became adjusting to being who I needed to be, around the people I was with at the time.  And really, I didn’t even know I was lying because I actually had bought the lie myself and didn’t even know it.  

When I was worship leader at Liberty University, I had actually created the lie of being a better Christian than most of those around me. Now I wouldn’t have said that at the time, but my judgmental spirit (mindset) would give way to that type of thinking.  As a person in the spot light, I knew I had to be “on” all the time and even if I had weaknesses I couldn’t admit them, thus creating my own false sense of perfection that I held too as my foundation.  I could remember people coming to me for help and sharing what they struggled with, and even though outwardly I wouldn’t say it, I would feel inside, I am so glad I don’t struggle with that.  Then I would give them a Bible verse and prayers to pray in hopes that it would work for them, as I felt it did me.  You see I felt as though I could discipline myself in a way to make it work. That only lasted for so long within me or with anyone really and then you break. When you are more concerned with being right (perfection) than being honest, that is the breakdown. Why is it that we all fear being vulnerable? Why do we fear to be imperfect when we all know we all are? Don’t blame others for this, we must own it!

Let me tell you how I relate to this thought, for me, as I went through my band days and traveling, I could remember not wanting to look at pornography at all because it turned me into something I didn’t like. You see, when I looked at this non reality, I found myself looking at people as just “things,” that I could use for my benefit, plus didn’t do a lot for keeping my mind in places it needed to be. Even though I know it did something negative to me internally, I seemed to always want to go back to it. It was my drug and I couldn’t live without it. I also had a friend tell me that if he had the choice to have sex with someone or just “solo sex” her would call it, he would masturbate to keep it really safe-the problem with that, is you always want more! I would go sometimes years not looking at porn and then, fall right off the wagon (as they say), then go back to discipline myself again and then fall off again. You choose what “vice” you want to talk about and put yours in there, most of the time for us it is a Yo Yo effect isn’t it?  I hid my weakness for many years and then started talking about it and found a release in being honest.  The thing that made it easier for my circles, is that everyone started admitting that everyone was doing it (well almost everyone :)  So I was looked at as transparent.  But it didn’t stop there, I was only telling half the truth. You see I liked “the” gay porn.  My friends could relate to the straight porn but gay porn, no way!!  I knew early on that I had to keep some of my honesty at bay-thus really being a lier!

I would travel the country with my band year in and year out singing and speaking on what God could do for you if you were just willing to admit what you were dealing with, and in my heart, I couldn’t be honest.  I think mostly it was because I thought He didn’t love me for the way I was and I definitely knew that the people I was in front of wouldn’t be able to handle that honesty-so I continued to hide.  The problem, is that I started to believe my own lies, that I was honest and that I was healthy, all the time not even being honest with myself.  I had a girl friend of mine ask me after I came out, “why did you lie to me all these years?” my answer, “it has nothing to do with you, I was lying to myself!”  When you are lying to yourself, there is no way you can be honest with anyone else in your life! That dishonesty would choose to be my downfall. I thought I could live a life of half transparency, holding back something and still be successful, No Way!  I can remember many times there at the end of my band days where the guys I traveled with would confront me about being gay or my actions and I would admit to having attractions and one time even told them I would go get help, but never did, because I had too much to lose. The lifestyle I had, had taken over. I was not considered rich by any means, especially since growing up my family was poor,  but as a 25 year old, having two homes, nice toys and anything I basically wanted, I found myself not wanting to lose what I had obtained and therefore being willing to lie was a little more acceptable. There is a verse in Romans which says,”I chose to serve the created things instead of the creator” and that had become my reality in life. So instead of being honest ,I continued to hide but also to basically live the way I wanted because deep down, I felt pretty much “untouchable.”  Don’t get me wrong from those of you who don’t know me personally, I was never haughty or stuck up in any way, but deep down inside I thought, “i’m going to be able to ride this wave for a long time if I can’t keep this facade.” That long time wasn’t so long.

My desire to be with another guy had increased significantly over the years that I was traveling and toward the end of my stint at Liberty, I got very sloppy and out of control. I had formed a relationship with another male at the school and we had basically been seeing each other for a few months, all the while hiding it with anyone else in my life except my best friend in all the world who also traveled in my band, Andy.  My new boyfriend and I couldn’t be seen in public at all because of paranoia and for the fact that we both would have been excommunicated. So all we were able to do is have a relationship within the confines of my home, and we did.  When I would travel, I know I would come home to him there and I would love it, however he had to hide as just much because of his roommates!  My best friend Andy would try to come in between us in a good way, only to keep me from going off the deep end and he also knew that I would lose everything, and keep in mind, I also thought I had a bad problem and needed to be fixed.  Andy was the best friend I ever had going through this, he didn’t judge me but tried his best to keep me from “messing up.”  However my boyfriend’s roommate was not of the same mindset, he actually went to a co-worker of mine and reported us.  To make a long story short, the investigation started on me and because I didn’t want to lose what I had accumulated, I denied ever even knowing my boyfriend-hurt him bad!!  

Now you talk about losing trust-I destroyed it overnight, all in order to protect me-I cry to this day to think how selfish I was. The investigation began and I denied everything, even when the National Enquirer did a story on me saying I “headed up the underground gay ring at Dr Falwell’s Christian University.”  I realized the heat was turning up and I needed to get out, so I had planned on resigning and told the media that the rummers weren’t true and that I was planning on leaving anyway-all the while, my lies were now growing, so big that I felt as though I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had a trip planned to Hawaii of all places, just a week after the story broke and the entire trip I remember spending it in my hotel room. I do remember two things very well, I never turned on the TV and I remember standing on my balcony, 10 stories up and crossing over to the outside ledge late one night and saying I can’t be a lier anymore! I have to have release and I know if I tell the truth the world will hate me and God already does!  I leaned out, with my hands behind me gripping the rail ready to jump and I heard it!  I heard a voice as clear as if I could speak out loud to you right now-It said, I LOVE YOU!  I was crying so hard I thought I was hearing things, so I said huh?  I climbed back onto the balcony and said again-what?  I heard it again, “I LOVE YOU, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!  I couldn’t believe my ears, God had spoken to me?  You love me?  How could you love someone like me?  I went back inside my room and fell to my knees and continued to cry, but for the first time, I really believed what I had heard, He Loves Me!  I determined that night, that I would tell the truth, the whole truth and it didn’t matter where the chips fell, I needed to be free!!

When I returned, the media and rummers had escalated and I can remember sitting down a few very important people in my life and saying I need to confess something, “all the reports you are hearing about me, they are true.” I know there will be consequences with my decision, but I know God loves me and I have to be honest and can’t hide anymore. Man, I had no idea what was to come, but would ultimately start the journey that would lead me directly to the “Voice” that had said to me, I LOVE YOU!  and to be honest, that is all I wanted!! Sorry to leave you hanging here, but will pick this up in the next blog :)

You see I am constantly faced with the issue of protecting myself or should I say the perception of myself to even those who would love me regardless. Why? Because I am in constant battle with living inside of my story and owning it or living outside of it, only to portray a “better” Eric than I know really exists.  My friends say, I don’t want the “better” Eric, I want the real one!!  Do you have friends that just want the real you?  If not, get some, there wont be many, but get some!  Then once you have them, may they push you to be YOU!!  Period! And let me challenge you to challenge them to be who they really are! 

I want to close this blog with a quote from Brene’ Brown I posted a few days ago and I really want you to read it over carefully-it will sum up the thought of this blog-until next time-Own it!  It’s Your Story!  He Loves You!  “These three remain, faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is Love!”

“When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness—the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness—that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging—lives inside of our story.”